A little over a year ago, I decided to try writing as a way to cope with my own thoughts and experiences and to connect with those in similar circumstances. Soon after I started, I got pregnant and everything extra stopped. A third pregnancy with Hyperemesis Gravidarum- this time with two toddlers to care for, as well- made everything else feel impossible. The last year has been survival. In that survival, I have struggled with feelings of neglect more than usual. Hormones and illness contributed to that, I’m sure. Satan telling me lies that no one cares about me contributed to that, absolutely. No matter why I felt it- I felt it: I’d be better off without a spouse than I would with a spouse who is never around.

I’m sure there are many people who have absent spouses for legitimate reasons. First responders, military, business owners, and many other jobs require constant absences from the family at home. Regardless of the reason for the absence- it is a unique difficulty for the spouse and kids left at home to function as a normal household. The majority of the responsibilities for our life fall on me. Household chores, medical appointments, work, meals, laundry, and everything else are part of the overall physical and mental load that can wear you down so much more quickly when you’re doing it alone.

There are normal things you miss out on when your spouse is away- like having someone next to you each night when you sleep or having someone else who can grab a gallon of milk at the store without dragging the kids out. There are also seasonal things to miss out on in each stage of life as a growing family. As I muddled through the last year of constant puking, dehydration, medicine, appointments, fatigue, and general pain, I was constantly aware of how desperately I wanted to both offload my regular responsibilities and also be cared for the way I was having to care for everyone else. How much different would everything feel if I had a spouse who was home to make sure the kids got up, got dressed, and got fed every morning, while also bringing me my medicine and water? What if I had a partner who could hold my hair back and comfort me while I sat in the floor and puked through the night instead of my three-year-old son trying to do that?

As I looked at other women with children in various circles at work, at church, in my neighborhood, and even online, I convinced myself that those with their spouse involved had it best, but those with no spouse in the picture still had it better than I did. No one thinks I’m a single parent, so no one thinks I need help. Even when I ask for help, I’m not really a priority, because I have a husband who can do things, right? If only. A single mom can incur some form of sympathy from others who acknowledge how hard parenting is. Those of us in the trenches of life and motherhood who have a figurehead of a spouse but are still parenting solo garner little to no sympathy. It compounds the loneliness.

I’m aware of the whiny tone and the tiny violin many of you must be playing in the background of this post. I’m aware how much harder many people have it. I am also aware of how blessed I am in many ways to have a husband and not truly be a single parent. But in this moment, in this season of life, I do have to acknowledge these thoughts that I am sure many other people feel, as well. I have to acknowledge them in order to address them and ultimately correct them.

Solo parenting is hard. Single parenting is hard. Parenting in any way- hard! Community is truly the best way to raise children, but not everyone has that. I am continuously looking for ways to build it. I am also now more aware, as I have delivered a third child and come out the other side of an especially difficult year, that I need to be looking for ways to care for other mothers and walk alongside them in their difficult seasons. I cannot stress enough how much of a relief an hour or two can be from childcare. It isn’t some glamorous gift, but it can make a horrible day bearable- even enjoyable- to have just enough time to take a shower, tidy up, or grab some groceries while someone else watches your children. Is there anyone I can do that for? Is there anyone you can do that for? I love cooking and baking (when I’m healthy and strong enough to stand) so I love making food for others. It is a bit of a love language for me. Could dropping off some pepperoni rolls in a mailbox or a casserole on a porch make someone’s day? Absolutely! Physical acts of kindness go a long way- even if just as a reminder that you are loved and care for.

Much greater than my physical struggles- my battle with myself for the last two years has been a spiritual one. I am constantly in a war with my own mind and heart about what my life looks like. I didn’t sign up to do this alone. I didn’t sign up to be a police wife. I did everything right and still ended up feeling overwhelmed and lonely. The answer I found in prayer, scripture, and the Godly wisdom of a retired police wife was always the same: I am not alone because God says I am not alone. He promised to be with me, and my obedience to Him requires that I recognize He is enough. My heart will never be satisfied outside of Him. A simple concept to write, a much harder concept to live out. I have yet to master this in my life, but I am continuing to work through it every day. “As for me…” is a great daily reminder when I am in the trenches that I am accountable for myself, my thoughts, my actions, regardless of how I feel my life is going.

As a public health professional and a Christian, my thoughts about mental health always include a combination of physical and spiritual solutions. Trusting in Him is essential to surviving as a solo parent, but God does not simply want us to survive. Prayer and reading His Word is the primary tool I have in combatting loneliness and frustration. Additionally, there are so many tangible ways we can improve our circumstances. You might be in a place where you can lift yourself up a bit- whether through things like physical activities or hobbies- or you might be in a place where you can be lifting up others a bit. Sending a text of encouragement, babysitting, sharing a coffee, inviting someone for a walk, or dropping off a meal to a mother who may be single/solo parenting is a good place to start.