I have said before that I have felt abandoned in my marriage. This thought isn’t unique to law enforcement relationships. I’m sure there are many jobs, lifestyles, and circumstances that put women in this same line of thinking. I’m not divorced, I’m not single, I’m still a married woman on paper- but I am entirely alone.

Loneliness can be one of the most difficult feelings to navigate. When I can share my thoughts and experiences with someone else- especially my husband- nothing seems as difficult to process or work through. Shared sorrow, shared anger, shared happiness- sharing lessens the burden of the low points and increases the joy of the high points in life. Feeling alone, neglected, and entirely abandoned would characterize some of the worst times in my life.

When my second child was born, we made it back to the mother/baby room to settle in from a day in labor and delivery on a Tuesday night. Wednesday morning, my husband left for work. COVID restrictions meant that I was not allowed a different visitor during my stay. No one could visit or bring my older child to visit, and that left me with a motherly longing I didn’t know could be so painful. I loved the child I was just meeting, but desperately missed the one I had left at home for the first time. Processing all of the hormones that come with childbirth and missing my other child made that one of the most bittersweet days in my memory. While I soaked in all of my sweet newborn’s features, scent, and snuggles, I was sitting on a hospital bed with just the two of us. I didn’t get to share those beautiful moments with my soulmate and talk about how her little face looked just like him. I didn’t get to let my body rest while he took turns changing diapers or making sure she was resting peacefully in his arms. I cherished those moments with her, but I was filled with loneliness.

When my husband left for four months at the police academy- a paramilitary set-up in our state- I was one week postpartum. I had just brought home our second child from the hospital a few days before, and was adjusting to both the newborn sleep and feeding stage AND handling two babies with very different needs at one time. I begged him not to go. I begged him not to leave us. I told him I couldn’t do this without him- that we would never get this time back with our children. He went anyway.

At the time, it felt like shear abandonment. He had left me at what should have been one of the best times in our life. Looking back, I know that the natural hormonal and physical state I was in was fragile and overwhelming. I also know that my husband was sure he was doing the right thing. Duty called- and he told me he loved me and would call whenever he got the opportunity- with no promises of when that would be.

I ugly cried. I wailed. I wallowed in self-pity. I definitely went through all of the dramatic stages of grieving, while I tried to hold the three of us at home together. There were times I didn’t think I would be able to crawl out of the pit of despair I had dug for myself. I did not focus on one week at a time, or even one day at a time, because that seemed too difficult to achieve. I made it through that period of my life by making it through the next diaper change, meal, or nap, and I was barely surviving. I allowed loneliness to steal a lot of my joy.

Somewhere in those next few weeks, I was clinging to anything that would help me understand why this was happening to me. I found the Sheepdog Wife Podcast and listened to a woman I had never met describe circumstances very similar to mine, and for the first time, I felt a sense of community. The loneliness eased slightly as I shared my struggles with someone else- even if it was only shared in spirit.

The scripture I began to read as a result of those podcasts was the next phase for me in being lifted from the burden of loneliness. I am a Christ-follower of over 20 years, I was raised in a Christian home, and I am faithful in church. I know what God says- but at the most difficult time in my life, I chose myself over Him. I had chosen time and time again to ignore what my heart craved- which was fellowship with Him.

Over those next few months, the Lord did a mighty work in my life that I would not have opened myself up to had my husband not left. Through consistent prayer, I thanked the Lord for His goodness in my life and laid my grief at His feet. I could feel the emptiness inside of me being replaced with His love for me as I accepted that my emotional condition was both entirely valid as a response to my circumstances but also exacerbating my loneliness.

Matthew 11:28-29

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

The knowledgeable, factual part of my brain knew that the Sunday school answer to my issues. I wanted my husband, and a relationship with him, more than anything else- even more than a relationship with Christ. I found my identity, comfort, and joy in my husband, not in Christ. I knew that He was the answer- that I would never be satisfied this side of Heaven by anything else- yet I tried to fill my heart with a happy marriage, healthy kids, and a comfortable lifestyle. The temporary loss of my husband forced me to come to terms with this and re-frame my mindset about the root problem causing my loneliness.

Two years later, and I am still lonely. I am still struggling to cope with our circumstances. Midnight shift can make it feel like I’m still entirely alone in our marriage, in our parenting, and in taking care of our home. Circumstances don’t always improve. The only thing I can control is how I react to those circumstances, something I have to work on every day. The improvement in my life has been in my prayers that God either change my circumstances, or change my heart and feelings about those circumstances, and He has been faithful to do that. The more I seek His leading in my life and ask Him to fill the sadness in my life with joy- the less lonely, abandoned, and hopeless I am.

I do not take for granted that I had no struggles with any type of postpartum anxiety or depression. Emotional as I was, my bond with my child was healthy despite my stressful environment and lack of support. I am regularly reminded through my work with pregnant and parenting women what a blessing my health was at that time in my life. It is also a regular reminder of the unknown struggles of others- especially new mothers. Motherhood is hard. Single parenting is hard. If you know someone who has recently had a child, do your best to see past what you assume their circumstances to be and extend grace, prayer, and support in whatever ways you can. Community can make all the difference in helping to edge out loneliness in ourselves and in others.